Where would you choose to be when there is nothing else but darkness…
When everything is unclear, and you doubt the path you take?
Would you run away, or go further your way… until you see a light along your astray?
Do you doubt your strength and character? And believe that you deserve something better? Or just trust your intuitions, that everything’s gonna be okay?
How would change your life when it haven’t even started yet? How do you cope, when the only person there is in front is the image of your self?
I know I’m not that strong. Not even half of others think. I just go on with my life like day-to-day ordinary person, who is supposed to live up to someone else’s expectations. I have come to think, that people really get disappointed when the person they thought they know suddenly becomes a stranger. When the person they look up to suddenly becomes a disappointment. Not even knowing, that the person they know all their life, is not all person that she is. There are dimensions to her character that not everyone is aware of. And when it comes out, they can’t like it…because it wasn’t someone they first came to know.
I am lost in this bewilderment. Not been able to identify my identity. Sometimes I know, sometimes I don’t… but most times, scared… when I look in the mirror, I see a person who is struggling… trying to laugh everyday… and take off those skeletons hiding along in the closet. But they are still there… haunting my eyes like hell. A person who is trying to be strong, walking the streets like there is nothing wrong.
I am weak, I know. Cause I carry everything upon my shoulders. Meek and mute. Not finding the courage to shout and tell everybody that “Hey! This is me—a crappy little bitch in a mask of a friend, a daughter, a sister, a stranger—a complete mess underneath it all!” A person trying to find herself… A person trying to fix herself… It’s not okay everyday… Life sucks by the way… yet I still choose to walk on my shoes…to pretend that I am good.
I wanted to be different. I wanted to find the core of my existence. I wanted to be me. I just wanted to be happy and free. Is that too much to ask?
How can I move on with my life, when I don’t even know where I’m going? I don’t even know how to be happy with what I’m doing! All there is to do is to finish what I started—to finish strong and undefeated.
Lord knows, I am trying with all my heart. I am doing my best to go on with all these. I smile with strangers and acquaintances…laugh with friends and buddies… trying to find some warmth and melt the coldness inside. The busyness of each day takes all these dilemmas into oblivion. But when the night sets in, reality butts in and I am alone again…having these thoughts all over again…
Each night I pray, that God grant me the strength and courage to get on with another day. And each day I thought to myself, “I am a survivor”…surviving all these crap once again… I pray that, the good Lord send some omen that would lead me to the path I am rightfully to take. Whatever it is, will it be rocky, and stormy, as long as it is for me…I would gladly take it…just let me know if it is for me…just tell, it’s right to be me…
Don’t detest me, or judge me… I’m still young…and confused…and scared… trying to know what I want… trying to know who I am…trying to be WHO I am…
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