ZILCH 101

May dalawang klase ng kaibigan sa buhay ng tao: yung laging andiyan sa tabi mo, at yung nandiyan lang kapag kailangan mo. Yung una, lubos kang kilala. Yung tipong alam kung ano ang ibig sabihin ng katahimikan mo at ng halakhak mo. At yung pangalawa, ay ang lubos na nakakaalam kung ano ang ibig sabihin ng bawat patak ng luha mo. Siya ang kaibigan mo sa paglipas ng panahon, ang kasama mo sa pagtanda. Maswerte ka kung meron ka nang parehoang magkaroon ng mga baliw na kaibigan na laging magpapatawa sa iyo, at mga kaibigan na handang dumamay sa oras ng kalungkutan mo. 

HE WHO CALMS THE SEA

Oct. 09, 2011

I’ve never been afraid of the sea…never been afraid of the shore… but this time, it’s haunted.

The sky is dark, the winds are harsh…and the waves are frighteningly strong… trying to suck me in to its cold and dark deep waters. I was so scared. I’m in the middle of it, but it can’t reach me… it can’t touch me. Then, there’s a hand…pulling me out of the water on to the shore. I can’t see his face, but I know he’s a man—with strong arms, and fast legs. We ran…and ran…really fast…out of the water…away from the tides…my legs are weak but I fought it back and kept on running. The ebbs almost reached me…sending a message that if it did, I could never go back again. So I ran…ran hard…with someone…whose hands are strong and legs are fast…I can’t see his face, but he’s leading me out to safety. I know he is, because the farther we got away from the shore, slowly, I feel warmed. Then, as I turned away from the monstrous sight of the ocean, I saw the sun…the clear blue skies…the green fields…I felt the warm breeze…but I’m still running…I was still following the boy…yes, I see him now—a boy. We were climbing up a very steep hill. I thought for a second to stop, because I was scared…because it was too steep. But he held out his hands…I reached for it…together, we climbed the steepness of the hill…then we reached the top. He looked over the hill…his face calm…innocent, smiling. There was no trace of fear, or tiredness…after all we went through…I looked back to where we came: the steep way up where we climbed…the green fields where I felt the warm breeze…then the atrocious waves of the ocean. I got scared once more…then I hid behind the tree where the boy was leaning…he’s taking a rest now, while still looking at the sight ahead of him. Then finally, I looked at the direction of his eyes—then I saw it: another ocean, but a different one this time—calmer. No strong winds, dark skies, clod breeze, and frightening waves. This ocean beyond the steep hill is calmer, bluer, and warmer. It wasn’t scary at all. It’s in fact, peaceful. That makes it odd…because despite the ocean’s calmness…I still feel scared. Then I turned to the boy…he’s gone. The tree where he was once standing, I realized, was actually the same spot where I was standing at the moment. It was me—it was just me. I looked at the calmer ocean once more: my eyes sting…I closed it…still remembering the boy who led me out of the harsh ocean…the boy whom I thought was a man because of his strength. I was holding his hands, and I was looking at the strong waves of the ocean…but whenever I look ahead where he was leading me, I felt different: I felt—safe.

I opened my eyes now. It is 10:00 in the morning. It was all a dream…just a dream.

POSTSCRIPT:

I’ve never been afraid of waters…I love the sight of the ocean—it’s peace and calm. Whenever the sun rises or sets, it’s reflection on the sea is beautiful…it’s always beautiful. But after that dream, though, I realized that even the calmest of seas, when a storm surges in…it’s always frightening…drowning it’s beauty by the dark clouds hovering above it. Then there was the boy…he reached out to me…leading me out of the storm. He wasn’t trying to calm the seas…he was protecting me: finding a safer place for me…calming the fear inside me instead.

I remembered that story in the Bible, when Jesus stills the storm: He was sleeping, when the rest of the disciples where scared to be toppled by the strong winds that surround them…and the swamping of the waves against their boat. The disciples called unto Him, “Lord, save us!” (Mt. 8:25), and He woke up and said to them, “Why are you afraid, you of little faith?” then He calm the storm…then there was dead calmness (Mt. 8:26). They were all amazed, that even the winds and the sea obey Him.

I don’t want to interpret my own dreams. but deep down, I know what it meant. Jesus—He who stills the storm and calms the sea—can save us through anything…we just need to call out to Him…and have faith.

There were two large oceans beyond that hill where I climbed…two uninviting oceans: one with storm, and the other calm. Then there was this tree where I was leaning…then the hill where the waves of any of those oceans cannot reach me…then, I will always remember the boy who saved me…and calmed the storm in me.

I Love JESUS

10.01.11

Disclaimer: photo not mine.

Dear Circle,

Now I know how you feel. It’s probably the worst feeling in the world…the feeling that your life is pointless. That every day, you’re just rolling around with the punches. I feel so worthless right now…and worst of all, with no one to ever talk to. No one to tell me that “you know, it’s gonna be alright”. I agree with what they say…that even though you know that it’s not gonna be alright, you would still feel better just by hearing those words from somebody—that assurance that somehow, somebody out there believes that you’re going to be just fine, even though you doubt it yourself. I feel like I could cry the entire day right now…but I’m not gonna do that you know…because I try to be stronger…and pretend to be braver. I don’t want to ruin that bravado. So after crying my heart out for fifteen minutes, here I am, steeling myself—trying so hard to stop these tears from falling. Damn these tears!!! I don’t wanna cry now. I don’t wanna see myself in the mirror with those puffy eyes…’coz every time I do, I feel so weak. I don’t understand why these tears can’t be stopped from falling…maybe because I was so hurt…maybe because these were the hurts I’ve been keeping for so long already.

Every day, I’ve been filling myself with optimism…that somehow, this void would be filled. But after all the efforts, I still see myself barren…empty. I really don’t know why. Maybe, that’s because I really can’t seem to understand myself. I really don’t know what to do. I feel so alone. I feel that nobody understands me. I miss my high school girlfriends. They are the only ones who can read between the lines. That somehow, just by looking at me, they know something’s ain’t right. Oh damn these tears for falling…they don’t know how to stop. I feel so tired now…tired from everything.

Circle, do you also feel something like this? Seeing all your friends like square for example, that their life mean something…that they’re doing something with it because they know what to do with it and you don’t? And that they are born with confidence and courage to pursue what they want? That every time you try to build your confidence for quite some time, one blow could easily break them up…and you rebuild again, and it’s never really that strong…and it could easily be shattered?

I know that there are people who believe in me. I just really wish that they are here right now. Circle, even though our life is pointless, I hope that somewhere out there, there is a place where we belong.