10.01.11

Disclaimer: photo not mine.

Dear Circle,

Now I know how you feel. It’s probably the worst feeling in the world…the feeling that your life is pointless. That every day, you’re just rolling around with the punches. I feel so worthless right now…and worst of all, with no one to ever talk to. No one to tell me that “you know, it’s gonna be alright”. I agree with what they say…that even though you know that it’s not gonna be alright, you would still feel better just by hearing those words from somebody—that assurance that somehow, somebody out there believes that you’re going to be just fine, even though you doubt it yourself. I feel like I could cry the entire day right now…but I’m not gonna do that you know…because I try to be stronger…and pretend to be braver. I don’t want to ruin that bravado. So after crying my heart out for fifteen minutes, here I am, steeling myself—trying so hard to stop these tears from falling. Damn these tears!!! I don’t wanna cry now. I don’t wanna see myself in the mirror with those puffy eyes…’coz every time I do, I feel so weak. I don’t understand why these tears can’t be stopped from falling…maybe because I was so hurt…maybe because these were the hurts I’ve been keeping for so long already.

Every day, I’ve been filling myself with optimism…that somehow, this void would be filled. But after all the efforts, I still see myself barren…empty. I really don’t know why. Maybe, that’s because I really can’t seem to understand myself. I really don’t know what to do. I feel so alone. I feel that nobody understands me. I miss my high school girlfriends. They are the only ones who can read between the lines. That somehow, just by looking at me, they know something’s ain’t right. Oh damn these tears for falling…they don’t know how to stop. I feel so tired now…tired from everything.

Circle, do you also feel something like this? Seeing all your friends like square for example, that their life mean something…that they’re doing something with it because they know what to do with it and you don’t? And that they are born with confidence and courage to pursue what they want? That every time you try to build your confidence for quite some time, one blow could easily break them up…and you rebuild again, and it’s never really that strong…and it could easily be shattered?

I know that there are people who believe in me. I just really wish that they are here right now. Circle, even though our life is pointless, I hope that somewhere out there, there is a place where we belong.