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| Disclaimer: photo not mine. |
Dear Circle,
Now I know how
you feel. It’s probably the worst feeling in the world…the feeling that your
life is pointless. That every day, you’re just rolling around with the punches.
I feel so worthless right now…and worst of all, with no one to ever talk to. No
one to tell me that “you know, it’s gonna be alright”. I agree with what they
say…that even though you know that it’s not gonna be alright, you would still
feel better just by hearing those words from somebody—that assurance that
somehow, somebody out there believes that you’re going to be just fine, even
though you doubt it yourself. I feel like I could cry the entire day right
now…but I’m not gonna do that you know…because I try to be stronger…and pretend
to be braver. I don’t want to ruin that bravado. So after crying my heart out
for fifteen minutes, here I am, steeling myself—trying so hard to stop these
tears from falling. Damn these tears!!! I don’t wanna cry now. I don’t wanna
see myself in the mirror with those puffy eyes…’coz every time I do, I feel so
weak. I don’t understand why these tears can’t be stopped from falling…maybe
because I was so hurt…maybe because these were the hurts I’ve been keeping for
so long already.
Every day,
I’ve been filling myself with optimism…that somehow, this void would be filled.
But after all the efforts, I still see myself barren…empty. I really don’t know
why. Maybe, that’s because I really can’t seem to understand myself. I really
don’t know what to do. I feel so alone. I feel that nobody understands me. I
miss my high school girlfriends. They are the only ones who can read between
the lines. That somehow, just by looking at me, they know something’s ain’t
right. Oh damn these tears for falling…they don’t know how to stop. I feel so
tired now…tired from everything.
Circle, do you
also feel something like this? Seeing all your friends like square for example,
that their life mean something…that they’re doing something with it because
they know what to do with it and you don’t? And that they are born with
confidence and courage to pursue what they want? That every time you try to
build your confidence for quite some time, one blow could easily break them
up…and you rebuild again, and it’s never really that strong…and it could easily
be shattered?
I know that
there are people who believe in me. I just really wish that they are here right
now. Circle, even though our life is pointless, I hope that somewhere out
there, there is a place where we belong.
