Not Your Kinda Girl♥

I know that I’m not a supermodel-type of girl. I’m not petite. I am more of a voluptuous type. I don’t have a perfect hair—mine mess-up a lot. And most days, it doesn’t fall out right. I don’t have pretty dress, designer bags and shoes. I dress up based on comfort, and seldom goes by the trend. I love the colors of black and red, because they enhance my complexion. I am picky, perfectionist, and sometimes OC. I have a list of my own rules and standards, and I exempt only those who are worthy. I am bad-tempered when I’m not in the mood, but I can lengthen my patience if I choose to. I am “mataray” and “maldita”—I never deny that, because that’s part of the person that I am. I am mean and I can be a total bitch* if I have to. You see, I am not your perfect kind of girl. I mess up a lot! I can break hearts in a snap, but I can mend one with a laugh*. I can be kind. I seldom make judgment if I know that I am in no position to make one. I make mistakes—a lot. But I know how to forgive, as long as I can…with or without apologies uttered*. I give chances—always, if you ask for one. I give my trust completely. But if you break it, then it’s gone. But if you can mend that trust, then it’s going to be a gift—don’t waste that chance*.

When I love someone—people—like family and friends, I take care of them…make sure they’re fine. Wipe their tears, laugh with their hearts out, and give them a shoulder to lean on…with our home always open…and TIME to spend with them. I devote myself to people I love*… hate those who hurt them, and thank those who make them smileJ I know I’m not perfect, because no one is. But if you give me chance…and try to know me…maybe, just maybe—you’ll fall in love with the imperfect ME♥

A Ghost of a Past’s Choice

Disclaimer: photo not mine.

Someone once asked me, “Why did you take up nursing?” Well, I don’t want to make up reasons which will certainly become a lie. Actually, my parents wanted me to. But if I’d truly be asked, what I wanted for myself…answer is, I don’t know. That’s why I went with what my parents told me. Besides, parents know best right? The question is, if I will survive this.

Another someone asked me, “Why didn’t you quit? If that’s not what you wanted” Well, truth is, I still don’t know. I just told myself that, if this is what God wanted for me, then let it be. Now the question is, is this really what God wanted for me or I just assumed it was?

The problem with me is that I don’t know what I want for myself. I’m a coward for what it’s worth. Not brave enough to try something out of the ordinary…too scared of taking risks and failing afterward…too afraid of finding out if it’s all worth it, or just another blow in the air. I always feel like, “I can’t” even without trying. Maybe because I’m that type of person who constantly seeks for everyone’s approval: too concerned of what others may think, and cannot handle too much criticism. I am that someone who hasn’t experienced defeat, because I am a mediocre…not going far enough to move forward and walk some rocks.

But if there is anything worthwhile in all this, it’s the experience I had while in college. Behind all the drama in all those four years, lies a life’s worth of learning of which I would not dare trade with anything.

photo credits: weheartit.com

Not everyone could go beyond the white walls of the hospital and see some real action and quality drama. E.R is my favorite hangout—simply because it keeps me active and moving while on duty. It’s not okay to see bloody people around, or to receive a patient who just had a Cardiac Arrest. Sometimes, it can be downright scary, and there were times when I just froze in one corner or even close my eyes because it was simply too much for me to handle. O.R is also a favorite—I love the fact that I could see live pictures of body parts on which for most people, they only see on pictures/books or TV. I am able to take a very close look on God’s intricate and most impressive creation: the Human Body. If special areas activate me, Wards drown me to boredom with its routinely work…but in these places, you meet real people—really sick people whom you could talk to, and if you’re lucky, even inspire you. In Wards, you take care of them—strangers—patients—clients—and some could become your friend.

This has been my life as a nursing student. And if you’d ask me again, “Why I didn’t leave?”—maybe, just maybe—I love what I do…or should I say what it did to me.

FALLING STARS.

I'm not looking for love. It will come, the way shooting stars lit up the skies.

I’m not waiting, nor expecting.

Not assuming nor engaging on anything.

Life has rules.

Falling in love has its rules.

I’ve got my own rules.

And once I get to that point, where rules are no longer rules,

And you become an exception to those rules,

Then that’s the time I can say, “Love has fallen” like the stars are falling.

Kids Define Love

A group of 4 to 8 year-olds were asked the question, “What does love mean?” Below are their answers. So pure and true. If you have your definition of love to add, please comment!

“When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.” Rebecca- age 8  

“When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.” Billy – age 4  

“Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.” Karl – age 5  

“Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.” Chrissy – age 6  

“Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.” Terri – age 4  

“Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.” Danny – age 7  

“Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss” Emily – age 8  

“Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.” Bobby – age 7 

“If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,” Nikka – age 6 (we need a few million more Nikka’s on this planet)  

“Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.” Noelle – age 7  

“Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.” Tommy – age 6  

“During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn’t scared anymore.” Cindy – age 8

“My mommy loves me more than anybody . You don’t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.” Clare – age 6  

“Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.” Elaine-age 5  

“Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.” Chris – age 7  

“Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.” Mary Ann – age 4  

“I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.” Lauren – age 4  

“When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.” Karen – age 7  

“Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn’t think it’s gross.” Mark – age 6  

“You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.” Jessica – age 8  

And the final one — Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman’s yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, “Nothing, I just helped him cry”

When It’s Time for Goodbyes

It’s never easy to let someone go…to say goodbye…and be on your own. We are never prepared for departures—needless to say, a permanent one at that. No matter how much you know that it’s going to be the end, or when someone says it’s gonna be okay if it ever ends…still, watching people go remains to be heartbreaking. It’s like watching someone walk away with their backs on you, and you know that you’re never gonna see their faces again…only memories will remain.

Someone once said that it’s not on how people died that we should remember, but on how people lived. Upon watching the movie, My Sister’s Keeper, Anna’s last words before the closing credits bore a significant message to me. She said, “Once upon a time, I thought I was put on earth to save my sister. In the end, I couldn’t do it. I realized now, that wasn’t the point…the point was I had a sister. She was fantastic!” Beginnings and endings are just part of the story…how we were born, or how we’ll ever die is just part of life. What matters is that, we lived.

The movie was about Kate Fitzgerald who was diagnosed with Leukemia…or should I say about Anna Fitzgerald—her sister’s keeper…or maybe both. When Kate was first diagnosed, her doctor advised her parents that she needed a match to save her life. Anna was genetically conceived to be her match. All of Anna’s life, she has been donating her parts to her sister—from the moment she was born, for eleven years. She has been giving Kate her blood, granulocytes, bone marrows, etc. until one day she came to a lawyer and said she no longer wanted to give any of her parts to her sister…even if she knows it could kill Kate. She said, she wanted control over her own body and wanted a “medical emancipation”—or is it really? Anna knew she was born for a reason…and that is to save her sister’s life. I guess all of us were put on earth for a reason too. There are no coincidences, nor accidents in life. Maybe the only difference is that Anna knew it too soon unlike the rest of us.

Kate—she was so young when she learned that her life is on the edge of a cliff. Yet, she battled it through and stayed a little bit longer. She saw her sister grow and Anna watched over her and took care of her. She fell in love with a fellow patient, and felt broken too when he died without saying goodbye after their prom. She’s still alive but dead was lurking over her life…and her family too. Her mom has been taking care of her, staying by her side all the time, and gave up everything to fight the battle with her. I could say the same for her dad, and brother, and sister, and the rest of their family. I wonder what it feels like seeing your family like that—doing everything to make you feel better…to somehow make everything seem normal even if everyone knows it isn’t…or at least make everything okay. Kate has been fighting for her life…but everyone gets tired along the way, including her. But she couldn’t seem to give up—for her mom, for her family.

It was Kate who asked Anna to go to the lawyer. It turned out that she no longer wanted to have any more surgeries. She wanted to free Anna and allow her to live a life outside the shadows of being her sister’s life-saver. That was the last thing she asked from her sister.

Kate died. Her last wish was to see the beach…to be with her family at the beach. It was the moment in the movie wherein you’ll realize how bitterly sweet life could be. She had a wonderful family…she has been given all the love that somehow made her life a little bit longer…and happy…but that’s it. In the end, when your time is up, you have to go. She died with the last person on her side—her mom. They had to let go, and move forward.

Someone once asked, “What will you do today if you know you’re going to die tomorrow?” In Paulo Coelho’s The Alchemist he said, “To die tomorrow was no worse than dying on any other day” so why does the last day be any different from the rest? Make your life count, even when your days are numbered… live each day like it’s your last…because in the end, you’ll never know when it’s time…you’ll never know when it’s the last. Dying is always scary…and the hardest part is leaving the people you love behind...but the best part is, knowing you made a difference in someone else’s life while you’re alive. 

My Sister's Keeper is a 2009 American drama film directed by Nick Cassavetes. Based on Jodi Picoult's novel.

Film released on June 26, 2009.

Cast:

Cameron Diaz as Sara Fitzgerald

Alec Baldwin as Campbell Alexander

Abigail Breslin as Anna Fitzgerald

Sofia Vassilieva as Kate Fitzgerald

Jason Patric as Brian Fitzgerald

Evan Ellingson as Jesse Fitzgerald

Heather Wahlquist as Aunt Kelly

Luke Wilson as Edward Alexander

Elizabeth Daily as Nurse Susan

Lin Shaye as Nurse Adele

Joan Cusack as Judge De Salvo

Thomas Dekker as Taylor Ambrose

Jeffrey Markle as Dr. Wayne

Emily Deschanel as Dr. Farquad

Amit Khanduja as Chief Surgeon

Olivia Hancock as Young Kate Fitzgerald

I Will Stay

Disclaimer: photo not mine.

As time flies by

Even when the leaves wither

The winds blew its vigor

I’ll be by your side

Even when the colors turn grey

Life would still be gay

Because you’re there to bring hue to life everyday

Even when life seems weary

And some things don’t come by easily

I’ll be by your side

In life

Eventually

Some stays, some goes

Still

I’ll be by your side

Wherever the wind may take us

We’ll still be together

I’ll always be by your side

forever…

House Rules

I'll be posting this on my wall

photo source: click this link

The virtues we learn from our homes reverberates throughout our existence. The most important values, most often than not, we achieve through our families.

As they say, we all have our own homes... it is where our heart is. Wherever we go, and wherever we may be, we always go back home... and we simply remember these rules as we carry on.

Mornings @ the Hill

The beauty of a sunrise reflected upon the waters...it's 6:00 in the morning and the sun arises, fogs still covering the land...warmth of the sun feels just right. Early morning at Lignon Hill...illuminates promises of hope as the rest of the day would soon unfold...

The light of the sun lights up the world...brings color to flowers and trees...the light gives life...reflects the beauty of the soul...

Nature's beauty is astonishing...as stewards, we cater to them...ensure to maintain thine beauty and calm...the peace it gives, is peace from our God...

photos taken: Oct. 20, 2011

ZILCH 101

May dalawang klase ng kaibigan sa buhay ng tao: yung laging andiyan sa tabi mo, at yung nandiyan lang kapag kailangan mo. Yung una, lubos kang kilala. Yung tipong alam kung ano ang ibig sabihin ng katahimikan mo at ng halakhak mo. At yung pangalawa, ay ang lubos na nakakaalam kung ano ang ibig sabihin ng bawat patak ng luha mo. Siya ang kaibigan mo sa paglipas ng panahon, ang kasama mo sa pagtanda. Maswerte ka kung meron ka nang parehoang magkaroon ng mga baliw na kaibigan na laging magpapatawa sa iyo, at mga kaibigan na handang dumamay sa oras ng kalungkutan mo. 

HE WHO CALMS THE SEA

Oct. 09, 2011

I’ve never been afraid of the sea…never been afraid of the shore… but this time, it’s haunted.

The sky is dark, the winds are harsh…and the waves are frighteningly strong… trying to suck me in to its cold and dark deep waters. I was so scared. I’m in the middle of it, but it can’t reach me… it can’t touch me. Then, there’s a hand…pulling me out of the water on to the shore. I can’t see his face, but I know he’s a man—with strong arms, and fast legs. We ran…and ran…really fast…out of the water…away from the tides…my legs are weak but I fought it back and kept on running. The ebbs almost reached me…sending a message that if it did, I could never go back again. So I ran…ran hard…with someone…whose hands are strong and legs are fast…I can’t see his face, but he’s leading me out to safety. I know he is, because the farther we got away from the shore, slowly, I feel warmed. Then, as I turned away from the monstrous sight of the ocean, I saw the sun…the clear blue skies…the green fields…I felt the warm breeze…but I’m still running…I was still following the boy…yes, I see him now—a boy. We were climbing up a very steep hill. I thought for a second to stop, because I was scared…because it was too steep. But he held out his hands…I reached for it…together, we climbed the steepness of the hill…then we reached the top. He looked over the hill…his face calm…innocent, smiling. There was no trace of fear, or tiredness…after all we went through…I looked back to where we came: the steep way up where we climbed…the green fields where I felt the warm breeze…then the atrocious waves of the ocean. I got scared once more…then I hid behind the tree where the boy was leaning…he’s taking a rest now, while still looking at the sight ahead of him. Then finally, I looked at the direction of his eyes—then I saw it: another ocean, but a different one this time—calmer. No strong winds, dark skies, clod breeze, and frightening waves. This ocean beyond the steep hill is calmer, bluer, and warmer. It wasn’t scary at all. It’s in fact, peaceful. That makes it odd…because despite the ocean’s calmness…I still feel scared. Then I turned to the boy…he’s gone. The tree where he was once standing, I realized, was actually the same spot where I was standing at the moment. It was me—it was just me. I looked at the calmer ocean once more: my eyes sting…I closed it…still remembering the boy who led me out of the harsh ocean…the boy whom I thought was a man because of his strength. I was holding his hands, and I was looking at the strong waves of the ocean…but whenever I look ahead where he was leading me, I felt different: I felt—safe.

I opened my eyes now. It is 10:00 in the morning. It was all a dream…just a dream.

POSTSCRIPT:

I’ve never been afraid of waters…I love the sight of the ocean—it’s peace and calm. Whenever the sun rises or sets, it’s reflection on the sea is beautiful…it’s always beautiful. But after that dream, though, I realized that even the calmest of seas, when a storm surges in…it’s always frightening…drowning it’s beauty by the dark clouds hovering above it. Then there was the boy…he reached out to me…leading me out of the storm. He wasn’t trying to calm the seas…he was protecting me: finding a safer place for me…calming the fear inside me instead.

I remembered that story in the Bible, when Jesus stills the storm: He was sleeping, when the rest of the disciples where scared to be toppled by the strong winds that surround them…and the swamping of the waves against their boat. The disciples called unto Him, “Lord, save us!” (Mt. 8:25), and He woke up and said to them, “Why are you afraid, you of little faith?” then He calm the storm…then there was dead calmness (Mt. 8:26). They were all amazed, that even the winds and the sea obey Him.

I don’t want to interpret my own dreams. but deep down, I know what it meant. Jesus—He who stills the storm and calms the sea—can save us through anything…we just need to call out to Him…and have faith.

There were two large oceans beyond that hill where I climbed…two uninviting oceans: one with storm, and the other calm. Then there was this tree where I was leaning…then the hill where the waves of any of those oceans cannot reach me…then, I will always remember the boy who saved me…and calmed the storm in me.

I Love JESUS

10.01.11

Disclaimer: photo not mine.

Dear Circle,

Now I know how you feel. It’s probably the worst feeling in the world…the feeling that your life is pointless. That every day, you’re just rolling around with the punches. I feel so worthless right now…and worst of all, with no one to ever talk to. No one to tell me that “you know, it’s gonna be alright”. I agree with what they say…that even though you know that it’s not gonna be alright, you would still feel better just by hearing those words from somebody—that assurance that somehow, somebody out there believes that you’re going to be just fine, even though you doubt it yourself. I feel like I could cry the entire day right now…but I’m not gonna do that you know…because I try to be stronger…and pretend to be braver. I don’t want to ruin that bravado. So after crying my heart out for fifteen minutes, here I am, steeling myself—trying so hard to stop these tears from falling. Damn these tears!!! I don’t wanna cry now. I don’t wanna see myself in the mirror with those puffy eyes…’coz every time I do, I feel so weak. I don’t understand why these tears can’t be stopped from falling…maybe because I was so hurt…maybe because these were the hurts I’ve been keeping for so long already.

Every day, I’ve been filling myself with optimism…that somehow, this void would be filled. But after all the efforts, I still see myself barren…empty. I really don’t know why. Maybe, that’s because I really can’t seem to understand myself. I really don’t know what to do. I feel so alone. I feel that nobody understands me. I miss my high school girlfriends. They are the only ones who can read between the lines. That somehow, just by looking at me, they know something’s ain’t right. Oh damn these tears for falling…they don’t know how to stop. I feel so tired now…tired from everything.

Circle, do you also feel something like this? Seeing all your friends like square for example, that their life mean something…that they’re doing something with it because they know what to do with it and you don’t? And that they are born with confidence and courage to pursue what they want? That every time you try to build your confidence for quite some time, one blow could easily break them up…and you rebuild again, and it’s never really that strong…and it could easily be shattered?

I know that there are people who believe in me. I just really wish that they are here right now. Circle, even though our life is pointless, I hope that somewhere out there, there is a place where we belong.