Monday, 14 June 2010

WORDS IN INK

Words by with-accusing-eyes (words can mean anything, but in the end, they mean nothing at all) from deviantart.com

“I know that what other people think are not so important as knowing, that the ones in your life you care the most sees your heart in a way that doesn’t need for words.”

Writing is the only way I could pour my heart and soul into. It is the only way in which I could explain myself—why am I like this and that, and what do I really want in my life—and the way with which I always come up with an understanding of my own self. It’s a reflection…a mirror of some sort. This, I realized, is the thing I love doing the most. It’s a gift God has given me to nurture. It’s the only way I could let others look into my heart. I always hate being judged for whom I’m not, and I wanted them to know what lies beneath this skin. Words, I’ve come to discern, aren’t always enough to express, but strong enough to leave an impression. I know that what other people think are not so important as knowing, that the ones in your life you care the most sees your heart in a way that doesn’t need for words. Maybe, it’s one of the best things about family and friends—to let them know you even without telling them. Not everyone knows, though. And I’d like to think that I could reach them with my printed words. This is my world, and I realized that only very few have come into it.

Monday, 31 May 2010

VANISH


Disclaimer: photo not mine.
I’m starting to shiver
In this cold quiet ground
Waiting for my hero’s return
To savage my heart’s frozen sound

The heartbeat’s gone
The sun is down
The stars hide
Behind the cloud’s silhouette blinds

The darkness envelope
The misty eyes of love
Behind a river flows
Lost in an ocean’s ghost

I start to shiver
In this lost heart of mine
Deep in a river of sorrow
In the vast lonely night

I cuddle myself for life
While my thoughts linger behind
Why have you deserted me?
Am I not worth the fight?

WHERE ARE THEY NOW?



Sometimes, the people we’ve come to know don’t always stay as they are…and the friends we knew all along are not fated to stay on our sides forever…the promises that were once made are almost always…forgotten.

People change ‘cause they have to, or need to…or maybe, they just wanted to change. It’s not always that the people you’ve come to know remain unchanged all their life. It is part of the life cycle that we undergo metamorphosis. But the hard part is, to accept those changes and to come friends with yet another stranger.

Sunday, 10 January 2010

STRAINED

Running… scared… lost…

Where would you choose to be when there is nothing else but darkness…
When everything is unclear, and you doubt the path you take?
Would you run away, or go further your way… until you see a light along your astray?
Do you doubt your strength and character? And believe that you deserve something better? Or just trust your intuitions, that everything’s gonna be okay?
How would change your life when it haven’t even started yet? How do you cope, when the only person there is in front is the image of your self?

I know I’m not that strong. Not even half of others think. I just go on with my life like day-to-day ordinary person, who is supposed to live up to someone else’s expectations. I have come to think, that people really get disappointed when the person they thought they know suddenly becomes a stranger. When the person they look up to suddenly becomes a disappointment. Not even knowing, that the person they know all their life, is not all person that she is. There are dimensions to her character that not everyone is aware of. And when it comes out, they can’t like it…because it wasn’t someone they first came to know.

I am lost in this bewilderment. Not been able to identify my identity. Sometimes I know, sometimes I don’t… but most times, scared… when I look in the mirror, I see a person who is struggling… trying to laugh everyday… and take off those skeletons hiding along in the closet. But they are still there… haunting my eyes like hell. A person who is trying to be strong, walking the streets like there is nothing wrong.

I am weak, I know. Cause I carry everything upon my shoulders. Meek and mute. Not finding the courage to shout and tell everybody that “Hey! This is me—a crappy little bitch in a mask of a friend, a daughter, a sister, a stranger—a complete mess underneath it all!” A person trying to find herself… A person trying to fix herself… It’s not okay everyday… Life sucks by the way… yet I still choose to walk on my shoes…to pretend that I am good.

I wanted to be different. I wanted to find the core of my existence. I wanted to be me. I just wanted to be happy and free. Is that too much to ask?

How can I move on with my life, when I don’t even know where I’m going? I don’t even know how to be happy with what I’m doing! All there is to do is to finish what I started—to finish strong and undefeated.

Lord knows, I am trying with all my heart. I am doing my best to go on with all these. I smile with strangers and acquaintances…laugh with friends and buddies… trying to find some warmth and melt the coldness inside. The busyness of each day takes all these dilemmas into oblivion. But when the night sets in, reality butts in and I am alone again…having these thoughts all over again…

Each night I pray, that God grant me the strength and courage to get on with another day. And each day I thought to myself, “I am a survivor”…surviving all these crap once again… I pray that, the good Lord send some omen that would lead me to the path I am rightfully to take. Whatever it is, will it be rocky, and stormy, as long as it is for me…I would gladly take it…just let me know if it is for me…just tell, it’s right to be me…

Don’t detest me, or judge me… I’m still young…and confused…and scared… trying to know what I want… trying to know who I am…trying to be WHO I am…

IMAGES

Disclaimer: photo not mine.


The better image of a person radiates upon the light they emanate when everything around them is dark…

People have different images for us, and we strike different poses for them. Some people smile in front of a camera to project a happy image…some kink their nose, raise their eyebrows, or pout their lips to come out unique and funny. Everyone vies for a good capture…who wants to gaffe in a camera pic anyway?? Although we love seeing bloopers, and we laugh at them…when a camera lights flash, we always attempt to project the better side of us.

In life, people have expectations of us. In their expectations, sometimes we fall short and sometimes we step up big. In our society, they expect us to behave properly, and we sometimes follow the norms either consciously or unconsciously. While some people wanted to be different and just be crazy, trip in the mirth of breaking rules, and top up the fun with society hoots.

When we bluff the real image just to feed in people’s expectations of us, we never appreciate the real beauty of the picture. Instead we always try to evaluate the beauty that is too well hidden in the mask of perfect pretensions.

In life’s photographs, it is never a necessity to come up polished and perfect. What people look in the photo is the real image behind the capture…the unseen behind the scene…or may be the mystery that we try so hard to decipher…

When we decide to disclose our self with people, do we choose to reveal the real us? Or allow the mystery to creep in and let them discovery the real clarity from within?

IN MY WORLD...

photo credits: DeviantArt


In my world,
Theres a little haven of a dreamer
Of stories kept untold
And of words left unspoken

In my world,
Theres a small corner of solitude,
Of silence and comfort
Where dreaming is easier alone

In my world,
I write the songs of my heart
On which the ears of my soul listen
Singing the melody of my life

In my world,
Theres a messed-up place
A place where nobody cares
Where I can be me
Free of prejudices and make-believe

In my world,
Theres a hollow space
Filled up by memories of the past
And of experiences from the future
Of lessons learned, and regrets earned

In my world,
There are vivid characters
Playing the stories of their life
Playing their story with me
Like a tangled yarn connected to each other
Each weaving their own stories to tell
And I am into itand they are into mine

In my world,
Theres an open window
Facing the horizon as it changes its colors
Looking forward to new beginnings
Uncertain of bitter endings
Like the mighty rays of sunrise
Or the distant melancholy of a sunset

In my world,
Theres a healer
Healing the wounds of a sinister
Healing the hearts that have been broken
Comforting the lost and nonbeliever

In my world,
I have a Savior, a Friend Brother a Father
Always ready to listen, to heal
He is the light on my darkest hours
My companion in my sorrows
My strength when I am weakened by my imperfections
My voice when I am muted by my apprehension
The eyes that allow me to see beyond my vision
The wind beneath my scarred wings
The oasis of my cruel desert
The warmth amidst the cold lonely breeze

In my world,
There is a dreamer
A little girl with various emotions
A woman in vague colors
Someone imperfect and emotional
Someone, though sometimes unworthy, is always forgiven

Wednesday, 2 December 2009

YOU DON’T KNOW

Disclaimer: photo not mine.

Why do we allow people to dictate which image should we pose? Do they even know the depth of our souls? Do they even know the pain behind each tear we shed? Do they even feel the emptiness that creeps in when the lights are off? Do they even walk the dark streets alone? Do they know the heartbreaks that line the scars of my hope?

Nobody knows how to be me… and nobody cares whether I know the real me… where can you find yourself when you’re lost? How do you go back home when the tunnel is doomed? How can you make corrections to the wrong decisions you made?

Is happiness limitless? Or does it have boundary?