LOOKING FOR NOTHING

Disclaimer: photo not mine.

I watch the days drift by…wind blowing, the leaves swaying. I’m stuck around the corners of my room… waiting for night to come…trying so hard to see the stars amidst the glaring streetlamp…waiting for the moon to show up that’s hiding underneath the clouds. I’m looking for something so vague…so distant. I know for a fact that I’m wasting my time just hanging around. I know there’s an opportunity for me out there…there’s a lot actually. It’s just that…I’m always been this girl who’s so afraid…been through much (but not a lot) but still afraid…always holding back…always deferring those chances. It’s been three months since I last wrote on my journal…no follow-through’s yet…and it’s long (who knows how long) since I wrote a decent entry on my blog. Who cares anyway, I don’t even know if there’s anyone reading it… nevertheless, I’m still on this constant search… search for something I barely know… I think I’m gonna go nuts just by lurking around this place and doing absolutely nothing…at least nothing I have planned. The last time I looked up the sky and saw the brilliant stars, (that was when the lights were out for about a minute)…then I saw those stars, then at that moment, I found peace inside… Now, I’m waiting to see those stars again (seems like they’ve been hiding all this time), to feel that stillness once more…and hoping…and praying to heaven, that I’ll be able to see the path that’s laid out for me. I need to know… I need to start moving…because if not, I might not be able to get away…if not, I might be stuck here forever…

I'll Be There For You w Lyrics

Sa Huling Pagkakataon

photo credits: weheartit.com

Sa 15 na taon ng pagiging estudyante, nagkaroon ako ng 7 uri o design ng school uniform—1 noong Kinder/Prep, 3 noong Elementary, 1 high school, at 2 ngayong college (type A, B, at meron pa plang C—for civilian…3 pala). Laging tig-3 set ang bawat isa…5 set ang type A or clinical uniform ko…lahat lahat at meron akong naging 23 na uniform…isama mo pa ang mga naging PE uniform ko…hindi ko na mabilang…

Ano nga ba ang meron sa school uniform? Bakit sa tuwing naiisip ko ang huling araw ng pagsuot ko nito ay nakakadama ako ng kakaibang lungkot? Kung tutuusin, kapirasong tela lang naman ito, at marami ka pang kaparehong design…at hindi ito pasok sa fashion statement ng mga tao. Pero bakit kakaiba sa pakiramdam mawalay dito?

Sabi nila, ang school uniform daw ay form of identity. Ito ang pagkakakilanlan ng paaralang iyong pinapasukan. Araw-araw pagpasok, ay suot-suot ko ito. Minsan na din akong na-late dahil sa hindi plantsadong uniform, at pumasok na parang hahabulin lang ng plantsa…napagalitan dahil sa “incomplete uniform” at hindi papasukin sa klase dahil sa “not in uniform”. Umulan man o umaraw school uniform ang kasabay ko sa pagpasok sa klase…may transport strike o wala…first Friday masses, third Sunday masses at sa mga misa na idinadaos sa school…school programs, recognition day, teacher’s day, valentine’s day, at sa pagkarami-rami pang pagkakataon. Suot ko ang school uniform ko sa mga masasaya at di gaano kasayang mga sandali ng pagiging estudyante ko. Ito ang suot ko nang makilala ko ang mga kaibigan ko…nang matutunan ko ang photosynthesis, solar system, Laws of Motion, pag-solve ng Algebra, Trig at Geometry problems… nang makilala ko sina Einstein, Newton, Alexander the Great, Julius Caesar, Robert Frost, Homer, Elizabeth Browning, Confucius, Jose Rizal, Apolinario Mabini, Emilio Aguinaldo, at marami pang iba. Ito rin ang suot ko nang makilala ko ang teachers na naging inspirasyon ko at hinangaan, at minsan ding naisipang gayahin. Marahil ito rin ang suot ko nang matuto akong magdasal at nang unang natutong mangarap.

Sa bawat uniform na meron ako, may kakabit itong mga alaala ng kabataan ko, mga naging pangarap, mga pinaghirapang exams, mga nadaluhang recognition day kung saan sinasabitan ako ng medalya…at napakarami pang karanasan ng pagiging estudyante. Sa bawat araw na suot ko ang mga ito, ipinagmamalaki ko ito. Nagsisilbi itong simbolo ng aking paglalakbay tungo sa pag-abot ng aking mga pangarap. Sa bawat panahong nagdadaan, kumukupas din ang mga ito—ngunit hindi ang mga hibla ng pagsusumikap, para makapagtapos ng pag-aaral, na kakabit narin nito.

photo credits: weheartit.com

Ang aking school uniforms ay bahagi na rin ng aking pagkatao. Kakabit nito ang naging buhay ko sa loob ng mga paaralang minsan ko ding naging tahanan. Maaaring bukas na ang maging huling araw ng pagsuot ko ng aking school uniform. Sa March 30, 2011, sa wakas ay ga-graduate na ako, huling araw na ng pagiging estudyante ko.  Magiging panatag na ang mga magulang ko, dahil alam nila na kahit saan man ako magpunta, may natapos na ako. Sa susunod na linggo, itatago ko na ang mga naging school uniform ko, ngunit hindi ang mga aral na natutunan ko sa loob ng 15 taon na suot ko ito. Maswerte ako dahil nakapag-aral ako…maswerte ako dahil magagandang uniform ang isinuot ko…at ang mga ito ang habambuhay kong ipagpapasalamat at magiging simbolo ng pagtuklas ko ng karunungan, at ng halaga ng mga pangarap sa ating buhay. At sa lahat ng naging school uniform ko, SALAMAT at sinamahan niyo ako….

Crazy Little Thing called Love (aka First Love) Trailer High Quality

This Thai movie stars Mario Mauer (P'Shone) and Fern (I guess that's her name...i apologize coz I suck with doing research). Anyway, upon watching this movie, it reminded me of the American movie counterpart...FLIPPED... The story goes by the same theme... A naive girl falls in love with the popular guy (and a very good looking one)...girl is a wallflower then becomes the unexpected princess...guys falls in love with the girl in the end, and story hangs in there. this Thai movie though, is funnier, and at the end of the story guy turns out to be secretly in love with girl all along. P'nam (Fern) confesses her love, they got separated, then met again after 9 years. In Flipped, girl and boy were neighbors...girl expresses her admiration with the guy from the start, but guy ignores her...then day comes when the guy finally realized that he, too, is in love with the girl, but apparently girl becomes uninterested with him already...so now, he has to work hard to win the girl, thanks to that sycamore tree which made a bridge of opportunity to lit another spark for them.

These stories of unrequitted love were born in a very young age, until it grew and blossomed into somethng wonderful and pleasant to share. What is love anyway?? Well, I guess it takes different forms, and makes up a beautiful story and brings about beautiful characters...some people go crazy about it, becomes stupid becomes ecstatic, and most of the time, brings out the best in anyone. That-love-thing...it can break a heart, but still the best remedy for one. It's workings, no one can quite understand, unless felt and shared..

THE ROLLER COASTER RIDE

Source: weheartit.com

This is the year I considered most significant in my maturity. I learned important lessons in life and relearned the things I refuse to learn before. My heart has been broken, and made whole again…I was wounded, healed, got some scars, and in some way had those scars bleed once more… Nevertheless, I learned. In those acquaintances, I came up with the realization—that true happiness lies beneath the surface… its beyond laughter, good company, achievements and victories… it comes genuinely after a big trial: like a battle of survival, an obstacle course, or a maze adventure—and somehow, notwithstanding the doubts and discouragement, above with faith and trust…I survived—simply because I didn’t quit…just moved forward.

I can say that my year ended practically how it started—unusually cold and melancholic. But it’s the middle that could count the most. It’s like a roller coaster ride…full of ups and downs, twists and turns, nerves, surprises, and relief upon reaching its end. When I rode in, I was full of crap…I was scared, a coward, never wanting to embark on such kind of ride because on my mind I don’t need it. I’ve seen how it rolls and thought that I can already imagine how it feels even at a distance. It’s scary and dangerous. I’m such a chicken trying to rationalize my fears and inhibitions. Even so, I still found myself on the ride, occasionally closing my eyes, feeling the chill of air on my face, shouting, and gasping for breath whenever I look down. The only thing that keeps me together is the metal brace on which I hold on for some strength and for the assurance that I won’t fall no matter how bloodcurdling it all gets. When it’s finally over, I felt that I’m still holding my breath…and with a sigh of relief—it’s all over. The ride was over, and for a moment I found myself breathing a new form of air—a new form of courage and strength…a new me. Indeed, it’s never the same feeling when you’re just a spectator and then being able to experience the actual thing. When you’re in it, you’ll understand why you need to close your eyes every once in a while, why you have to see the view from atop even when you’re scared to see how high you might fall, why you have to be scared sometimes, and why you need to shout and burst when it gets rough.

My year ended the way it started, simply because I’m still scared to ride. I guess it would never go away…that thing called fear. Yet, as I say, I learned and it’s a new me. I may be feared but I uncovered the skill of closing my eyes, looking above and beyond, and shouting for whatever my heart yearns to holler. My year ends with cold and melancholy, but it’s also coupled with peace and audacity. My heart’s chaos while riding my roller coaster is now culminated by the stillness of air. I guess I’m just getting all wrapped up for another adventure…for another ride…

Source: weheartit.com

Now, as I glimpse back on the year that comes to pass, I can say that in life, there are no rewinds…no shortcuts, no rules, no clear end and destination. You just move forward…always moving forward…catching the next ride, and the next, and the next, until you reach the end. In the process, you leave something behind, to remind you where you’ve been and where you came from; and bring something with you in return, so that you’ll always have something with you as you go. We might get lost once in a while, stumble, fall, get hurt, and betrayed by circumstances at times…but we never back down…because that’s only the way life goes. By the end, genuine happiness truly belong to those who worked for it, to those who deserve it, to those who wait and are willing to sacrifice for its cost—for genuine happiness doesn’t come in a handy…it surfaces only to those who are willing to discover it’s real meaning.

THINGS I LEARNED THIS YEAR

Disclaimer: photo not mine.

“The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can't pretend we hadn't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day. Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying.” –Meredith (Grey’s Anatomy)

THINGS I LEARNED THIS YEAR

I have learned so many things in the 2 decades of my existence. Some of them, I have to re-learn until I fully understand what it truly meant. Some are more memorable and meaningful than the others, while some stand out and the others remain forgotten until the moment I need them again. This year is probably one of the most unforgettable years for me…and this year:

I learned that life is like a series of rooms; each day, we get stuck in one room with one person, and that person adds up to who we are. (House)

I learned that the easiest way to grow as a person is to surround yourself with people smarter and stronger than you are.

I learned that it actually takes two weeks to start a habit.

I learned that no matter how much goodness you’ve done to others, they will still hurt you at some point.

I learned that being too nice can actually make you sick.

I learned that even the best kind of friendship can still break.

I learned that sometimes, you have to fight back and rise above your fears and inhibitions.

I learned that people always leave. But sometimes, they do come back. (OTH)

I learned that when somebody walks out of your life, it’s their choice…but sometimes, it’s your fault.

I learned that when somebody leaves, another one would inevitable take their place.

I learned that, eventually, all things would change…and the only thing that’s permanent is (your) family. (Eat.Pray.Love)

I learned that although change is inevitable, they always do us good favors.

I learned that it’s okay to mess up and feel like crap sometimes.

I learned that the things you wanted to forget are the things you most need to talk about.

I learned that ignoring the facts doesn’t change the facts.

I learned that bitching isn’t that bad.

I learned that the way people treats you reflect how you actually treat them…or sometimes, it’s just the way 

they are.

I learned that the ones who are capable of hurting you are the ones you love or the ones who love you most.

I learned that the safest place to feel is the place you most truly belong. Friends and Family—they’re the ones we call a home.

Most of all, I learned that each day, is a chance to learn and to grow, to choose to be happy, to live simply…and to be grateful.

The moment we truly learn our lessons are the times when we are able to apply them in the various circumstances of our lives. There’s a difference between knowing and learning, and there is a thin line separating them. At some point, we will realize that we grow more each day for the things we learn, the emotions we feel, and the acts we do for ourselves and for others. They say that experience is the best teacher and I used to disagree. But now I know that it is only through experience that we can say we have truly learned—the moment when we stop wondering what it’s like to walk on some other’s shoes, or stand on their grounds. Our experiences are as unique as their own, so as on how we learn from them.

THE INVITATION

By: Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Disclaimer: photo not mine.

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.
It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon.
I want to know if you have touched the center of your sorrow, if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain!
I want to know if you could sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true.
I wan to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself, if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not to betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty even if it’s not pretty every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes!”
It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.
It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments…

Stories

Disclaimer: photo not mine.

Every one of us got stories share. Stories which may mean nothing to someone but can be life changing to other. There are certain stories which may bring joy, tears, pain and inspiration. There are different kinds of stories to tell—Stories that are happy and sad … stories about love, family, adventure, epic, fantasy, and tragedy. They are weaved in fashion that could somehow transcend time…hoping to captivate one’s imagination, inspire a soul, or just have the pleasure of being able to share a story to be remembered. When you read them, you get to feel what the character feels…you get to know the passions the author reveal behind it…and you get to know the morals each of them portrays. It’s amazing to think of the kind of magic stories hold on to their audience. It’s not a spectacle display of brilliance, but rather a humble relay of emotions. I’ve read too many kinds of stories, and after every one, I seem almost always inspired afterwards. Not were all happy endings, and I can’t help but feel broken for those stories who didn’t make it—but almost did. I guess those kinds of stories would always be remembered. But most importantly, the realization I always get afterwards would struck me the most. Somehow, I would always end up wondering if I could ever write something on my own, and touch a soul for it. Maybe, just maybe, it is the dream I’ve always dreamt of in my solitude.

LISTEN

photo credits: weheartit.com

I don’t hear the words, but I know how to listen.
Deep within, the ears of my soul are open.
That’s why even without words, I listen…

I listen to the gentle whispers of the breeze—it echoes the tiny voices of angels singing their hymns of praises.
I listen to the birds upon the treetops hum their cheers for the colors of the earth…
I listen to the thunder out in the distance booming its strength and might…they warn you of the storm there is to come…
I listen to the raindrops thumping in the rooftops…they cry drops of wisdom and character…

I listen to the sound of hearts—beating loudly of joy and sorrow, loneliness and comfort…
I listen to sound of little hopes coming from hearts which are broken… hoping to find happiness amidst the darkness…
I listen to the whispers of love and passion, from the lips of the one you love…
I listen to the muffled cries of newborn angels…they emanate God’s gift of life…

I listen to the silence of the night…that amidst this world of chaos, there is peace under the humbled light of stars and moon…

YES, I DO NEED THEM

I need my friends
During those times when everything seem so weary
During those days when I am late at school and they text me to hurry
In times of trouble, when bitches crowd my way
…and I need extra claws to shun them away
I need my friends
To laugh with me whenever I stumble
…and to hold me up on my feet again
I need my friends
When my allowance is short
…and they make allowances for my shortcomings

I need my friends
When everything sucks
…but they tell that everything’s gonna be fine
I need my friends
When some stupid jerk breaks my heart
…and they are there beside me, saying nothing
…and silently threads all the broken pieces whole again
I need my friends
To taut me of my foolishness
…but never leaves me, nonetheless
I need my friends
When all I wanted to do is cry
…and comfort me with chocolates and ice creams till I feel fine
I need my friends
When I am almost left with nothing
…and they remind me that I don’t need to have everything
I need my friends
In moments of victories and defeats, achievements and make-believes
…in my dreams, and all its possibilities
I need my friends
Who needs me back…
…who can’t go on party without me
…and misses me on holidays
…who shares their secrets with me
…and trusts me wholeheartedly…
I need my friends
Who, despite of my imperfections, loves me anyway..
It’s good being around people who loves you and accepts you for who you are…
It’s good to admit that you need some people in your life, who though crazy and imperfect like me, make life’s journeys thrilling and fun…
…and even if the future is vague, and the road is unclear… you know that you’re not going through it alone…’coz they will be beside you anywhere you go…

PEOPLE ALWAYS LEAVE...

Disclaimer: photo not mine.

WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

Sometimes, the people we’ve come to know don’t always stay as they are…and the friends we knew all along are not fated to stay on our sides forever…the promises that were once made are almost always…forgotten.

People change ‘cause they have to, or need to…or maybe, they just wanted to change. It’s not always that the people you’ve come to know remain unchanged all their life. It is part of the life cycle that we undergo metamorphosis. But the hard part is, to accept those changes and to come friends with yet another stranger.


ARMOUR

I battled this life with comrades ready to lend their armors…we are a battalion of brave and united soldiers who promised each other that no matter what happen, all of us would come out as survivors—though bruised and wounded, are stronger and feistier.

…taking a look behind me, the battalion becomes lesser in number as days pass. Not because they are defeated, but because they’ve lost their way and somehow forgotten the battle they’re supposed to face.

Where are they now? Am I really supposed to go on my own pace? Or just accept the fact that some people have to walk their own trails?

My heart hasn't been ready for goodbyes, but it has always been open for strangers who are willing to fight along my side, and finish the battle I’ve come to face…

Dedicated to...FRIENDS

(Disclaimer: photos not mine.)     no road is long with company

There are friends who are always there for you despite the distance...
Friends whom you seldom talk to, but when time comes you need one, they'll unexpectedly come along...
There are those whom you share your dreams with...
Ones who make you laugh, cry and feel important...
People you just met, but made a great impact, and change a part of you...
The ones who'll come running to you when you cry..
and the ones who'll simply tug you to buy an ice cream 'coz they know its what'll make you feel better..
Friends who are happy when you're happy...
and friends who'll make extra effort to make you happy when you're sad...
Those who aren't afraid to tell you you're wrong...
those who'd rather hurt you with truth than hurt you with lies...
...and friends who'll walk extra miles with you inspite the rain...
"Friendship is when the silence between two people is comfortable"
It's when you hear what their heart is beating,
and even without words, you know...you understand...
"Friends come when the rest of the world goes out"
They're the ones whom you'll see beside you in all your victories, defeats, ups and downs...
"Friendship is when you keep stealing my chocolates everyday, yet I still keep them in the same place"
It's all about acceptance...it's all about understanding...
It's when they hurt you a thousand times, and yet when they come running back to you wounded, you can't help hugging them back...
...friends---they share their lunch with you, watch movies with you, loiter somewhere with you, spill secrets and gossips to you,...and GROW UP with you...walang iwanan, walang unahan...laging may hintayan, sabay sabay lang...

It's amazing how friends are found, and when friendships are formed...sometimes, in the most unlikely circumstances...but it's more amazing to note, the depth of your friendship, and how it withstands the storm...
_________________

There is this friend I know who always keeps me together when everything is falling apart...who always listen to me even when I can't seem to hear Him when He speaks...When I feel so alone, He always makes His presence felt...and I know that I will always have Him no matter what happens...even if they're all gone, He'll remain...for He is the best friend One could ever hope for...and the great part is, He is the BEST FRIEND I have in my life...and I know that no matter what I do or say, He'll never abandon me nor forsake me...(I love you, Jesus Christ...I owe you my life)